Working the wagon in the big city

Working the wagon for a big city copper was sometimes the worst assignment to get. There were regular officers assigned to the squadrol or "meat wagon" as it was sometimes called. Days off, vacations, or medical time meant the new guys had to fill in. Sometimes the day went by with only a few prisoner transports to make and the occasional disturbance requiring a two man unit but some days the salary had to be earned.
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It was a "suspicious odor" that prompted the landlord to call when he went to pick up the rent. The sickly sweet smell hit as the officers entered the first floor entrance. If it wasn't January they would have smelled it from the street. (The apartments were never on the first floor.) The smell got thicker as the they climbed the stairs to the second floor front apartment. The landlord gagged and almost vomited as he opened the door. The young officers light up cigarettes, an old timer’s suggestion."If you keep the smoke in your face , it doesn't smell so bad," he said. Old newspapers, garbage, and junk was piled up everywhere. The smell led the officers to the bathroom. It was the neatest room in the place except for the dead guy. Seated, actually only kind of sitting, on the toilet was the victim. He hadn't been crapping. Between his bloated, stiffened, and stretched out legs was an over turned five gallon plastic bucket holding a beef pot pie and a jelly glass filled with coffee. The poor guy vapor locked at his dinner table.
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Now, normally the officer's didn't mind disturbing a man's dinner to take him to jail but this guy had the misfortune to die several days sooner without anybody who cared enough to look in on him so the officers were obliged to take him to the morgue. The smell was horrible. The lit cigarettes barely helped. Worst of all the victim had to be carried down two flights of stairs to the truck. The bathroom was small, only the bowl and a bathtub. The younger officer decided to take the inside. He stepped gingerly around the man's legs and stepped into the tub. They each grabbed an arm and shoulder and pulled upward. BIG new guy mistake. The body burst open and even more foul smelling fluids splashed over the corpse and spilled to the floor in a slick thick mess. The lit cigarette was dying out now as the officer gasped and frantically puffed to keep it lit. He noticed the window ( a veteran copper would have already had it opened) and forced it open. Down on the street, the more fortunate officer was laughing hysterically. Officer "okay, I can take the inside" sent a few choice expletives his way to get him back up there. The only wise decision made that day was to step into the tub before moving the body. Officer "I laughed till I cried" finally returned with a blanket from who knows which pile of rags. The blanket was laid down in the hallway and the body was unceremoniously shoved off the bowl onto the blanket. Officer "still laughing" blanket dragged the guy down the hall a ways so Officer "inside" could put the lid down, step out of the tub, and jump over the mess into the hallway. The blanket drag worked up till the doorway where the body twisted sideways and hit the door frame. The forehead split open like an over ripe melon. They still had to get the body onto the stretcher and down the stairs. Another blanket was pulled out of a pile and the man strapped onto the stretcher.
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The officers finally began to think like veteran coppers and went down the street where several men were hanging around a burning trash can. Two dollars each bought some helpers. The officers suggested the street people take the bottom. Heck for two bucks they should have, right? Several sloppy curse filled minutes later the wagon was loaded up and headed to the hospital for the guy to be officially pronounced DOA.
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The hospital staff just extended the hilarity. The attending physician refused to pronounce the body on the officer's say so and insisted they bring it into the E.R. The county hospital had an enclosed driveway for ambulances so the truck was driven into the passage way and the hatch opened. The funk that permeated the E.R. had staff and patients puking almost immediately. "Get it out" screamed the doctor. "Please sign here" replied the officer with a "I told you so" grin.
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Finally arriving at the morgue the officers found that the morgue attendant was an experienced ghoul who agreed to take the body out of the truck for only five bucks each.
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The department contracted out the body removal responsibilities some years later so many younger officers have never had this unique experience.